QUENTIN LETTS: Jings, Sir Keir’s a snore. A one-man fun-extinguisher. Soon eyelids were shutting faster than High Street banks [Video]

16:58 EDT 16 May 2024, updated 02:12 EDT 17 May 2024

Sir Keir Starmer, never knowingly innovative, unveiled his Blair-tribute pledge card in Essex at an opera-rehearsal space. It ain’t over until Emily Thornberry sings?

Alas, shadow attorney general Emily was not given a slot, though she eyed the lectern hungrily. Nor did we hear from David Lammy, the Henry Kissinger de nos jours. Mr Lammy sat there looking under-loved.

Purfleet railway station swarmed with men in dark suits and red ties. Starmerites dress like Gordon Brown. Soon they’ll be issued with the sort of notepads and pencils North Koreans hold when craning to catch Kim Jong Un‘s every pearl.

The pledge card is a paper effort that pulls apart, concertina-style, to reveal its important pronouncements. Its glossy outer shell carries a snapshot of the nasal knight holding in his tummy while doing a Colin-Firth-in-Kingsman …